Ellie Kildunne, one of England's most celebrated rugby athletes, has spoken candidly about the personal challenges she faced with body dysmorphia during the COVID‑19 lockdown in 2020. The former Wasps full‑back, who helped England secure the Rugby World Cup title last year by scoring five tries—including a spectacular solo effort in the 33‑13 final against Canada—revealed how the euphoria of that triumph was quickly followed by a period of intense inner turmoil. In the lead‑up to the Red Roses' Six Nations opener, a 33‑12 victory over Ireland in which Kildunne also crossed the try line, she sat down with BBC Sport to discuss feeling "really alone" after the World Cup high.
The pandemic had forced a pause on competitive rugby, and without the daily structure of training, physiotherapy sessions, and the camaraderie of teammates, Kildunne found herself confronting an unhealthy relationship with food and a disturbing desire to lose weight. "I could picture myself getting a little bit smaller, but I kept chasing that idea of being even smaller," Kildunne explained in an interview tied to the launch of her autobiography, *Game Changer*. She described how the absence of a constant team environment—physios, coaches, and fellow players—left a vacuum that amplified her insecurities.
"Body dysmorphia is a strange thing," she said. "Even though I was actually small, I saw myself as larger in the mirror." Reflecting on those moments now, Kildunne admits the behavior seemed "really stupid" at the time, yet it led to a damaging cycle of restrictive eating and a distorted self‑image. In the world of rugby, she is often labeled as a smaller player, but outside the sport she felt she was perceived as too big.
This mismatch prevented her from ever feeling truly comfortable in her own skin. "Maybe I was rebelling against everything, but I didn’t know what I was aiming for," she added. The turning point came during a physiotherapy session at her former club, Wasps. Lead physiotherapist Emily Ross noticed something was off and asked Kildunne if she was okay.
The question unlocked a flood of emotions, and Kildunne broke down in tears. "I think I’d been waiting for someone to ask that," she recalled.
"I knew there was a problem, but I hadn’t been trying to stop it." Speaking out created a sense of accountability for Kildunne. "Once you say something out loud, you feel a responsibility to follow through," she said.
Emily Ross became a steadfast source of support, offering honest conversations that helped Kildunne confront the issue head‑on. Over time, she regained a sense of control and learned to discuss her struggles without feeling triggered.
Now playing for Harlequins, Kildunne feels more grounded. She has come to recognize the platform she holds as a high‑profile athlete and wants to use it to help others facing similar battles. "I’ve finally started to understand the influence I can have on people, and I want to do more than I have been doing because I truly believe that can help," she affirmed.
Kildunne emphasizes that external success does not equate to personal perfection. "From the outside everything looks flawless, but I want to show that nobody is perfect," she explained. "Just because I play rugby for England doesn’t make me a superhero. I want to connect with people who might be dealing with comparable issues and give them the friendship and support I wish I had received earlier." Her story underscores a broader conversation about mental health in elite sport, especially during periods of isolation like the pandemic.
By sharing her experience, Kildunne hopes to dismantle the stigma surrounding body image concerns and eating disorders, encouraging athletes and fans alike to seek help when needed. Her journey from feeling isolated and self‑critical to becoming an advocate for body positivity illustrates the powerful impact of open dialogue, supportive networks, and personal resilience. In summary, Ellie Kildunne’s candid revelations about body dysmorphia highlight the hidden challenges that can accompany even the most celebrated sporting achievements. Her willingness to discuss her struggles, seek professional help, and use her platform to support others serves as an inspiring example of turning personal adversity into a catalyst for positive change within the rugby community and beyond.